be careful what you wish for

so.... i made myself a promise right.... i said... babe, you've tried building something worthwhile with a particular person from this particular background.... and y'all didn't make it; try something out of your comfort.... maybe you're to meant to be with this kind of person.... so i sat down and asked for somethng new and different.... then i went to this house lime on saturday ppl... and i met something new... and different and exotic and interesting and mentally stimulating... all thati could ever have wished for....
what's the catch you ask.... married.... can you believe it..
Puck-for those of you who don't know who he is; he's the bad faerie that changed the guy into the donkey in "A midsummer's might's dream"-found all of the characteristics i'd promised myself to mingle with in a married man... goodness it's enough to make you jump of a cliff...... so i sat there.. making conversation coz would you believe... we were the only ones there who knew no one else...
i found myself enrapt in his words and he also i believe... because not once... not once did he venture to be sociable... he easily boxed me in so that his back was to the rest of the ensemble and i was focused on him...
i do believe though his intentions were above board... and that he was genuinely interested in the conversation.. because of the range of issues we discussed...
i think that just like me he had found someone on a similar wavelength and couldn't much be bothered to try to talk of frivolities with others...
we spoke of politics, war, the international financial crisis, my university programme, his job and its stresses - he's responsible for managing 150 ppl, my godson of course, his daughter... the differences between white ppl and black.. .on and on till 10:30..
i could barely believe that we'd conversed for 4 1/2 hours straight.. with only pauses for drinks...
when i left to go home, he was disappointed... i guess he probably only just realised that he hadn't taken the time to meet other ppl and his only source of distraction up to that time was leaving...
oh well...
on to my next engagement....
this was not such a sophisticated affair as the one by my previous friend's home... this was a bacchanal of a house-warming... my girlfriend who's invited me to tag along and i got there at 12am.. and son realised that we were the only ppl who got there so late... everyone had already established groupings so we grabbed our drinks and settled in to do that oh so favoured pastime of mine and hers; when we are together- attempt to figure out who was with whom, who couldn't hold their liquour, who was there to pick up the guy throwing the event- he in well -known and whilst ostensibly my girlfriend is who he is dating, it's relatively new and so we knew there would be others there...
when the party began breaking up we finally got to sit down wit hour host and the conversation turned to the movie avatar..
wonder of wonders... everyone there was in agreement as to the racial undertones of the film and the subliminal messaging.... and when i brought up my pet peeve that tsu-tey had unmistakable african features, and how hollywood always kills the black man.... i was given round of applause...
they were like... for real... he rally looks more black than the others...
but anyway...
then of corse as usually happens when nubile men and women have had one or two drinks the talk turned to things of a sexual nature.. and i was told quite frankly that i have a rather erotic way about me...
i was shocked and a bit embarassed... i asked him if he was kidding... he said "between the two of you (my friend and i), i was the more sexual one... even though my friend is a self-proclaimed nympho... he ceared up his point by saying that while she may be into sex; sex and i run a lot deeper.. that my limits would be more than hers and that my joy of it was more than hers... i sat ad looked at him then calmly said..."pull the other one!!" the group cracked up at that... he just looked at me quietly... very disconcerting i might add..
we got home at 4:30.. undoubtedly my party boosters are still operational.. i didn't even feel foggy when i finally woke at 8:00am..

new year's day 2010

Well, it's now January 1st 2010. I'm sitting at my computer at home by myself, with somewhat of a teary disposition... Second, or is it third, new year's i've spent by myself; with no one to turn to; no one to kiss; no one to love, or to love me.... What is wrong with me???... Nothing I think; but something must be.... I work hard, I study and am reasonably well educated... I have a degree, I'm doing postgraduate work, I have friends, I laugh, I tell jokes, I'm there for my family and for my friends.... And yet it's almost as if I'm an untouchable..... A leper- undeserving of love and affection... The people in my orbit expect me to give of myself- and I do.... but none of it comes back....
I yearn for love too... I yearn to be someone's first choice..... I yearn.......
I've promised myself that this is the year when I come into my own... When I'm the one who is taken care of; the one who people think of first..... But I am almost certain that a pattern has been set.... There's a saying - what you put out into the atmosphere is what you get back!! I've been putting out confidence and emotional strength and compassion.. Love and sharing and financial assistance... But none of it has come back to me... Am I going to turn into one of those sad cat women????
Is there anyone out there who loves me? Who cares about my needs before their own in the way that I do others??
My new year started with me no longer having a shoulder to lean on.... I am terrified of going under before I achieve something good and exemplary out of my life.....I want.... a real life; not this pale illusion i've been subsisting on... Is there anything out there for me???? someone who'll be that wind beneath my wings??? I'm losing hope and where it was bitterness is creeping in... What can i do to stop it???? Happy new year to me:(